Abomination Tai Chi Classes

Attention Abominations!

Are you tired of shuffling toward human intruders, aggressively grunting, only to be dispatched with a casual vanilla arrow or shield backhand? Are you sick of awkwardly falling down in a puff of Unholy Wind, or staggering around pathetically after a minor flesh wound? Do you dream of focusing your power, then uncoiling like a serpent to send your enemies back to Sanctuary where they can count their achievements and post about “leader boards”?

We can help. At the Crane of Desolation Academy, we use refined ancient techniques of A-bomb Tai Chi and Shaolin Kung Fu to balance the spirit, improve focus, and develop combat skills. Our secret, battle-tested methods will shift the balance of power and put YOU in control. Build wisdom, strengthen your body, and become indomitable… all while enjoying the camaraderie of training sessions under the professional guidance of our monks.

LEARN HOW TO:

• Work in teams, synchronizing your attacks with subtle body language and overwhelming them with sheer numbers.
• Suppress your natural grunting, and develop the patience needed to wait quietly in a corner before striking.
• Blend into walls using the system developed by Glitchy Gary, then emerge to strike when least expected.
• Make your first swing count, and take down the human with one swipe of your mighty clawed hand.
• Growl from the diaphragm, inflicting the dreaded Goosebumps of Terror.
• Develop the swift graceful potency that comes from Crane of Desolation training, making them fear and respect YOU.

Sign up today, and be ready to unleash your inner Tiger Claw the next time some human in a headset stumbles into our world!

Updates from the latest issue of Abomination Monthly…

Singles ad

(Kevin, M4W) Buff Desolation Abomination seeks afterlife partner for good times. Let’s give them hell in Annie’s fortress, then spend romantic evenings in the torchlit back rooms of the Catacombs where they won’t notice us. Just because you’re an a-bomb doesn’t mean you have to keep spawning and dying alone! Whacking newbies is more fun together… wanna go play in the pits? Call me. Rrawwwwr!

Horde or Solo?

This issue of Abomination was found in a recently cleared courtyard. The cover story addresses the age-old question about going it alone versus teaming up with a group of peers, and provides some revealing insights.

The author presents interesting statistics about the likelihood of survival, challenging the conventional wisdom of safety in numbers. Given the huge impact of a rampaging horde (including the human temptation to use them for a series of high-point headshots or a quick satisfying Cataclysm), he makes a strong case for hanging back quietly until the visitor simply moves on. The article is clearly addressed to Abominations who are new at this, still hoping to last as long as possible.

“Spawn in Purgatory if you have the choice,” he writes, “since your coloring will give you a better shot at remaining undetected. Try to suppress your innate desire to growl your presence. Just let it go, hold your raspy breath, and stay in the shadows. In some special places you can even merge into the rock wall and almost disappear while the Knight is demanding attention. Try to shut up, stay still, and wait. If you learn these simple skills, you may survive a few runs and live a satisfying afterlife.”

The rest of the issue is the usual fare for this publication, with tips for lurking behind a gray knight and leaping when least expected, staying out of jail in the pits, luring an attacker into the lava, Abomination Tai Chi, avoiding tempests, and developing a sense of personal style.

This is part of the In Death: Unchained literature collection by Steven K. Roberts.