As an engineer, one of the most absurd things on the Interwebs is the profusion of tech nonsense… wishful thinking, art projects presented as reality, and the industry of audiophile pseudoscience. I love stereo systems that are on the performance asymptote as much as any other paleogeek who grew up with vinyl, but I bristle at directional fuses, cable lifters, thousand-dollar outlet strips, audio-grade Ethernet cables, and anything that claims to be “quantum”… especially if it claims to enhance soundstage or require burn-in.

One of my favorite Facebook groups exists to call out such BS, and I occasionally post playful things that pretend to be in that product space (realizing that I may unwittingly contribute to future marketing). Folks are free to spend their money on belief-based products, but when the presentation is misleading, it borders on something else entirely. No online orders for the following products will be accepted.

We begin with the unit shown above, helpfully drawn by our AI overlords…

The Quantum-Unlimited Echo:

The new QUE is designed for the true audiophile. Equipped with a cryogenically stabilized Powerfinity WallWart along with directional field-stabilized coaxial power cable, this is Alexa with Attitude. Because of the spherical wavefront and guaranteed Constant Gaussian Curvature, spectral purity is perfectly optimized for instrumental color, and the system adapts over time to your musical choices with a nominal 400-hour burn-in period synchronized to the warranty.

Included with every QUE is a free can of WiFi equalization spray, reducing the propagation delay from your network access point to a precise 11.7 inches per nanosecond. A high-accuracy isolation base pad is available as an option, decoupling the unit from seismic infrasonic interference and preventing parasitic substrate resonances… and the internal speaker array is built with Point Source Technology, compressing space-time into a shaped field that eliminates soundstage distortion. Given the Infinite Library of available music, you are at last free from the constraints of vinyl catalogs, high-density record-dampening weights, and the complex electrostatic tunneling systems required to tune styli to compensate for latitude-induced groove-polarity variations.

NOTE: If Mercury is in retrograde, it will be necessary to process Jazz through the 2-5-1 Audiochrome Optimizer, but in general it provides excellent imaging right down to psychoacoustically optimized guitar-faces during solos. One notices the smell of sweat emanating from the coordinated wavefronts, and the all-important final stage operates in a pure vacuum to prevent stray valence action of trace elements from affecting the emotional content of the music. (This requires an additional burn-in period to be properly calibrated.)

The basic unit is only $1,999.99 at your favorite virtual big-box store.

QuantumFocus Stereotactical Speakers:

For best results, pair the QUE with our QFS external speakers! The sweet spot in this installation may be tight, but it achieves sonic perfection through synergistic application of cable risers oriented to the earth’s magnetic field, along with radial wave directors that prevent acoustic point-source scattering. These speakers use superconducting 1-Tesla magnets, multi-coaxial Matryoshka™ nested cones with phased crossover spectra, and quartz mounting pins that piezoelectrically isolate the titanium frames from support structures. But most of all… they utilize proprietary Pure Hyperbole in the descriptive space to maximize user satisfaction. With your head stereotactically stabilized at the precise intersection between sonic beams, your basilar membranes will achieve lossless synchronization with the music, adapting dynamically to any genre without having to swap optimized directional amplifier fuses or reconfigure cable elevation.

Inquire for price (installation depends on available mains power and building support structure).

Audio-Grade Fahenstock Clips:

The systems above should be interconnected with our audio-grade Fahenstock clips, cryogenically treated to maximize not only soundstage but that difficult-to-quantify PRESENCE. These are intended to be used for all directional connections like speakers with proprietary Z₁P-kord cabling, as well as earth-grounding to ensure proper magnetic field alignment. They are capable of audio bandwidth over 100 kHz. Test equipment is not needed to prove the quality of these; you can feel the absolute lack of microcrystalline distortion in your bones.